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Caroline
3 Children (10months, 13yrs and 15yrs) 20yrs old when first child born. My light was still on; I just didn’t see it through all the darkness!
The thought of having another baby wasn’t on the cards. My husband and I weren’t fussed either way. When I did find out, my husband had just flown in from 12 hours night shift. The first thing I said to him was “I think you better take me to a chemist!”
Well it started there and was an uncontrolled rollercoaster ride to hell and back for me. The morning sickness, stretch-marks, heartburn and also gestational diabetes. Even with the due date of the birth in sight; it was time to think of how I was going to cope with two teenage kids and a new baby!
Well things didn’t run smoothly, I was in a lot of pain from the birth and being allergic to some medicines I felt sick all the time and very tired too. Everything was ok, till I got home (no tea trolley for hot choc!). My new baby never stopped crying and screaming, I felt sad and guilty all the time. I never got a break. I found out later that my baby had a Poliss Muscle in his tummy that didn’t work. I knew when he came home something wasn’t right. It didn’t stop there; we tried everything and didn’t have any luck.
I felt like I was so alone, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one was listening. I knew then I was sick. Weeks went on and I was getting worse, crying, screaming, angry and happy all at once. This caused distance with my family. Although they didn’t know what was happening, the strength in their words helped me sometimes.
I ignored help that was offered and little did I know I made things worse for me. I felt like no one understood. I shut down altogether. It was about three months after the birth, I was trying to get the baby to sleep for the millionth time, I became very angry. I remember sitting on the stairs, crying and saying “I can’t do it anymore”. I just wanted the pain in my head to stop.
My kids called my parents and they came and helped for three days. They took me to the doctor who told me that I had PND and Postnatal Anxiety. I was offered antidepressants but said no, wanting to try herbal first. I tried natural serotonin, but it didn’t go well.
At this point I needed someone to talk to, so I took myself to a counsellor. I cried lots and he didn’t pass judgment. Then one day when I was just putting rubbish in the bin I sat down and started crying again. Then I knew I needed more help! Back to the doctor and started with antidepressants.
When I felt stronger I attended self help, parenting and relationship courses. It was hard to admit I had PND and Perinatal Anxiety.
So from that short tale, I found the real me and my light was still on, I just didn’t see it through all the darkness!
In the future I have a lot of work ahead, but it will be ok. Trust the people you are close to.
My strength and love came from my family and friends. A big thanks to them for being on the rollercoaster with me. Never be afraid to ask for help. - Remember to take care of yourself.
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