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Nikki
Mother of three, 23 when first child born.
Discovering we were expecting a baby was thrilling for us. We had our son who was 14 months. Our plans were to have two close together and call it quits.
At about six weeks I was so sick, not eating and spent my day with an ice-cream container in one hand and our son in the other.
At seven weeks we drove down to Perth from the country, a two hour drive, to have a scan only to find out the reason I was so sick was twins! My husband and I went into instant shock.
We needed a bigger house, car and my thoughts were ‘how the hell was I going to love and cope with two babies and our son who was still a baby himself?’ Our families were over the moon for us but secretly inside my world was falling apart. I spent a week at our local hospital and at 12 weeks travelled to Perth by ambulance for another week. By 14 weeks everything had settled down.
My son and I moved to Perth at 33 weeks to await the birth and my husband came down on weekends and after work.
“I learnt a lot of myself and how much I really loved my little, beautiful, special boys.”
At 37 weeks I was induced and after a few complications, I gave birth naturally to two beautiful boys. Being in hospital was great as there was so much help and support. St John Of God (SJOG) Subiaco was wonderful.
When we all arrived home after such a long wait in Perth it was fantastic. Life was not fantastic for long. My husband went back to 14 hour days at work and had no idea I was falling into this huge black hole.
There was not a lot of counselling in a small country town and confidentiality was a big worry for me.
My in-laws paid for a cleaning lady to come three hours a day for three days a week. However, I was so organised that there was nothing for her to do.
I had stop breastfeeding at seven weeks. One of the twins had bad reflux and would just scream. When I left the house, it was a freedom I had missed.
This was not how I pictured motherhood. I had terrible thoughts of myself and just wanting to end it all. I could not see how it was going to get any better. I felt like I had no control over the thoughts and feelings I had at the time.
My husband had no idea how terrible things had gotten, as this was my job and why wouldn’t I love and enjoy it? I felt very lonely and isolated.
I rang my doctors rooms and spoke to my midwife who suggested I be in Perth the next day to get some help.
I dropped my son off with my parents and said goodbye like it was the last time I would see him. I told him he was a very special little boy and that I loved him. I drove away with the twins.
I was admitted and assessed at SJOG Subiaco and the next morning given directions to get to Graylands Culity Unit, a three bed mother and baby mental health ward.
I will never, ever forget the feeling of driving so slowly into the grounds of Graylands.
When I arrived they questioned if there was anyone with me. “No” I said “it’s just me and the boys.”
At this point I was really scared and felt very alone.
After leaving Culity and on strong antidepressants I learnt a lot about myself and how much I really loved my little, beautiful, special boys.
The thought of leaving them behind without a mother made me cry.
Two and a half years on, life has got easier. PND is so very different for everyone and getting help no matter how – is important.
Take lots of care and look after you!
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